Friday, May 07, 2010

People are generally idiots (...and I am glad about it.)

Call me a misanthropist. My general opinion of humanity is somewhat low. I'm convinced the average person is an idiot--and half of them are worse than that. This leads to some strange political views, but i've come to the conclusion that I'm happy that the average person is an idiot.

I suppose it's not uncommon for a person in my field of employment: Information Technology. The moment you know anything about computers, is the moment the stupidity of the world around you becomes so blatantly obvious. However, most people in IT departments are employed, from the lowest level to the highest levels, primarily because the users are less competent than developmentally challenged baboons.

The less computer literate among you may suggest, "You aren't being fair. We're not technical. That's why you get paid for your job." You are partly correct. You are not technical. And yes, I would probably be unemployed if you were all technically proficient with computers. But I'm not discussing technical proficiency in the same sense you are.

Let's take the lowly telephone helpdesk agent, and the people that support them (like myself.) We are technical. (Or at least, we should be, in a perfect world. I've encountered more than the occasional idiot on a helpdesk, too.) Let's make an analogy I love, and compare computers to automobiles. We are your mechanics. When you have a problem with your car, you go to your mechanic. When you have a problem with your computer, you call your helpdesk. If that's all you came to us with, I would have less disdain for you. But the vast majority of user calls to the helpdesk are not problems with your computer at all. They are problems with you. Allow me to illustrate.

The mechanic gets a call from a driver.
DRIVER: My car won't turn left!
MECHANIC: Ah, are you turning the wheel counterclockwise?
DRIVER: What wheel?
MECHANIC: The steering wheel.
DRIVER: Hold on, let me check. Wait...it won't turn. Damn, now my hands are dirty.
MECHANIC: Do I hear birds? Are you outside your car?
DRIVER: I had to get out to try to turn the wheel.
MECHANIC: No, that's one of your tires...the steering wheel is inside the car.
DRIVER: Why didn't you tell me? Let me get back in the car. Okay, where is it?
MECHANIC: In front of you.
DRIVER: There's another seat in front of me.
MECHANIC: You're in the back seat. You need to be in the front seat to drive. On the left side of the car.
DRIVER: Okay, nobody told me this. I'm getting in the front. Okay, there's no wheel here.
MECHANIC: Your other left side.
DRIVER: Oh! There. Got it. Okay. Now clockwise?
MECHANIC: Counter-clockwise.
DRIVER: The wheel won't turn.
MECHANIC: Have you started the car?
DRIVER: I don't know. How can I tell.
MECHANIC: Do you know how to drive?
DRIVER: Of course I know how to drive! I'm just not technical!

You see, this is where you idiots pay for my kids meals. Knowing how to use your computer is not an area of technical expertise, you intellectual gnats. It's a minimum competence level required for doing a job that requires using a computer. I should blame the people that hired you for being idiots, I suppose, for not ensuring you knew how to use a computer, but they don't know how either. Neither do their bosses. Nor their bosses, and on and on up the food chain, all the way to the CEO, who's lucky if he knows what the fuck a computer is other than that glowing box his son masturbates in front of every night. And for this, I suppose I should thank you. Your ineptitude makes my standard of living possible. So go right on watching your American Idol and Survivor and Dr. Phil. Continue buying expensive four wheel drive vehicles that never go off the road. And for God's sake, don't ever buy a Mac. I'm not saying Macs are better than PCs, but near as I can tell, the idiots who buy Apple products are actually able to use their devices somewhat easier. I think the OSX GUI is closed-captioned for the thinking impaired. If more of you switched to Macs, I might be out of work.

All cheer for idiocy! Huzzah!

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