Monday, March 17, 2008

Peace Initiative: St. Patty's Day Solution to Iraq

It has occurred to me that we Irish were never really all that pro-active at the insurgency thing. I mean, look at the history of Northern Ireland. If the USA had invaded Ireland instead of Iraq, you'd have had maybe, two bombings by now. Three, tops. It's generally because we were too busy planning to kill prods and limeys over a pint, than actually killing them. Actually, we were usually too busy with the next pint to do much planning. Sure, there were some fairly horrific incidents over thirty years, but you can count them on both hands. That is approximately one day’s trip to the marketplace in Baghdad. Now, I realize correlation does not automatically imply causation, but I believe I've found a correlation that shows what it is that is wrong with Muslim extremists that makes them more violent than Irish Catholic extremists.

The poor bastards don't drink enough.

Let's do some simple math here. We'll use a few assumptions. (Actually, we'll use only assumptions, as I don't feel like looking them up, and while I haven't had time to get to a pub yet, I want to approximate a serious discussion after getting mostly drunk.)

Let's say over the last 5 years, there have been 2378 terrorist bombings1 in Iraq, while during 32 years of unrest in Northern Ireland, we bombed a factory, 2 pubs, and some old british bastard's car.2 Let's corellate that to average intake of alcohol.

The average Irish person drinks approximately 1 pint per hour.3 The average Muslim drinks approximately one ounce of alchohol per 6000 public executions.4

If we take a look at those staggering5 figures, we'll see that the number of terrorist bombings is inversely proportional6 to the amount of alcohol ingested. Obviously, the solution to bringing peace to the Middleast is to drown the whole region in Bushmills.

I'll now open the floor to questions.

1 - rough completely made up estimate I pulled from my ass.
2 - innaccurate supposition based primarily on ingestion of Guinness by IrishJackie.
3 - this is only if including time spent sleeping. Otherwise, double the amount per hour.
4 - based on the entirely fabricated statistic of 1 in 6000 executions in the middle east being for the charge of drinking alchohol, and completely ignoring how that doesn't in any way relate to how many Muslims there are.
5 - technically, only the Irish figures are staggering, and then only when we get off our stools at the pub.
6 - or something like that.


James said...

"there have been 2378 terrorist bombings1 in Iraq"

Not touching that one, considering where it came from.

And Tullamore Dew. Not that Protestant crap.

Otherwise, a sound theory.

Jackie the displaced Irish lass said...

James! I agree with you on Tullamore Dew--that's my drink of choice. That said, me father's an Anglican priest, as orange as they get, so if I gave a shit about religion, I'd have to shoot you or something.

But I don't. :)